Nobody Expects An Inquisition!

26 Jun

It was almost closing time and I was out on the sales floor straightening up my department.  When all of the sudden…..

Jesus Tweaker

I was approached by a young man in his twenties who began to barrage me with questions about my beliefs and the Lord.

The following is my best recollection of that conversation…

The Inquisition

Jesus Tweaker:  “Do you know the Lord?”

Me: “Uh….that’s a complicated question.”

JT: “Well, I’m here to tell you that the Lord loves you..I’m a messenger of love.”

Me: “Well, I won’t fault anyone who wants to share love.”

JT: “Do you believe there’s evil in the world?”

Me: “Yes, but I don’t believe in thought crimes.”

JT: “Did you know that Jesus talked about our thoughts and said if we even look at a women lustfully we have committed adultery?”

Me: “Well, that’s what I’m talking about.  I think that Jesus is teaching a form of thought crimes.  I personally think morality is based on consent.  If you harm or do something to someone without their consent, you’re immoral in my opinion.  Demonizing, natural sexual attractions is a form of thought crime and I think it’s only purpose is to make people feel guilty, even though they haven’t done anything wrong.”

At this point Jesus Tweaker seems confused and begins to talk about right and wrong.  He’s talking so loud and with a huge smile…that it reminds me of when I’ve talked to people who were massively drunk.  After skirting some more on morality, the inquisition continues.

JT “Do you believe in a higher power?”

Me “No”

JT “No…why not?”

Me: “Because, I don’t have any evidence that sems to indicate a higher power exists…”

JT “But do you have a wife or kids?

Me: “Yes”

JT “You love them don’t you…well, how can you explain your love for them?”

Me “I’m not sure how that’s relevant.”

Again, my answer seems to have thrown Jesus Tweaker a bit off track and he changes course.

JT “Well, I’m just here to tell you that God wants a relationship with you.”

Me: “And how do you know this?”

JT: “Because the Bible is God’s word and it tells us about God’s love.”

Me “OK…but why am I speaking to you and not God himself?  Doesn’t he have the ability of making that clear to me.”

JT “Well…I’m a messenger of the Lord, a messenger of his love.  I don’t believe it’s an accident that we’re speaking right now.  I didn’t come here on my own.”

Me “Hmmmm…..but you did walk in on your own 2 legs?  You did come in here by your own choice, didn’t you?

JT ” I just want to tell you God loves you and sent his Son, Jesus to die for you.  I’ve seen demons cast out and I believe that I will see the dead raised.”

He then proceeds to tell me about how he prayed for a woman with one leg shorter than the other.  She asked for him to pray for her back, but he refused and they prayed for her leg and it grew out 2 inches.

Me “So it grew out 2 inches?  What about an amputee, have you ever seen one healed by having their leg grow back?

JT “No…I did ask a couple of amputees in the city if I could pray for God to heal them.  But they seemed offended and wouldn’t let us pray.”

At this point, a concerned shift leader stops by to make sure I’m ok.  I indicate that I am and I begin to try and wrap up the conversation.

Me “Well…it’s been nice chatting but I need to close up my department.”

JT “Can I just pray for you?”

Me “No..I don’t think that’s appropriate since I’m on the clock.  You can feel free to pray on your own time.”

JT ignores me and prays loudly “I just bless you in JESUS name. THANK YOU FATHER! I bless you”

At this point he walks away to a cash register, where he loudly proclaims his love for the Abba Father, and begins asking employees and customers if they beleive in God.

I turn away and wonder if I was ever that “crazy” for the Lord.


21 Responses to “Nobody Expects An Inquisition!”

  1. thebiblereader June 26, 2012 at 11:54 am #

    my Favorite line: OK…but why am I speaking to you and not God himself? Doesn’t he have the ability of making that clear to me.


    • christianagnostic June 26, 2012 at 4:38 pm #

      yes…it wasn’t a prepared thought. Just something that struck me as we were conversing.

      • thebiblereader July 7, 2012 at 11:32 am #

        I will be using that in some of my conversations now

      • christianagnostic July 7, 2012 at 6:25 pm #

        totally understood….I am feeling your pain right now.

  2. Debra Baker June 26, 2012 at 12:24 pm #

    Were you around for the time when Covenant Fullofit was into the two question test? We even took classes and then sent out into the community? Oy, what a mess.

    • christianagnostic June 26, 2012 at 4:42 pm #

      No, that must have been after my schlump out the door. What was the 2 question test…let me guess?

      1) How much money do you make?

      2) Would you like to join our church where you get to be bossed around, told how to raise your children (including your wife, who is after all, just a grown child), and unquestioningly follow a bald headed girly man?

      Am I close?

      • atimetorend July 7, 2012 at 6:58 pm #

        Nope, but your questions are a lot funnier! I was around for the two question test…

      • christianagnostic July 7, 2012 at 7:07 pm #

        Did they make you go out into the neighborhoods, or was it just an Evangelistic technique that they were training people with?

      • atimetorend July 7, 2012 at 7:10 pm #

        It was just an evangelistic technique, it could go with e-teams or any other situation. A quick google search shows the two question test is pretty wide spread. Now they have Go Teams, where you Go out to evangelize. You could easily use the two question test on a Go Team. :^)

  3. Freedom June 26, 2012 at 3:05 pm #

    I am surprised you were able to have such restraint with that person! Especially while you are working! I run into those types every now and then. Usually I quickly disengage with them, but every now and then they insist on badgering me and that turns into an interesting conversation. It usually turns into one of those “you are going to hell” conversation when I tell them that I am a Christian, just not an evangelical and I don’t buy what the evangelical community is selling.

    • christianagnostic June 26, 2012 at 4:45 pm #

      You know, I was shocked at how little emotion I felt. I really was calm and able to listen, and just have a conversation.

      I think I’m at peace with my convictions right now.

    • Ahab June 26, 2012 at 5:20 pm #

      I usually disengage too. I’ve found that it’s fruitless to argue with a fundamentalist.

  4. Debra Baker June 26, 2012 at 8:14 pm #

    1) Do you know for sure that you’re going to heaven?

    2) Why (or why not)?

    • christianagnostic June 26, 2012 at 8:18 pm #

      Got it…maybe we missed this because we were getting ready for the church plant.

      I do remember the whole Servant Evangelism push. We raked a lot of yards and handed out batteries and coffee, but no 2 questions that I can re-call.

      • atimetorend July 7, 2012 at 7:00 pm #

        And black topped a driveway? My group did that. Not surprisingly, not a lot of people were up for having a random group of religious people black topping their driveway in a reasonably well-to-do neighborhood. Makes me laugh now.

      • christianagnostic July 7, 2012 at 7:10 pm #

        No driveways for us…I think we did some car washes, as well. I always felt phony and did not enjoy these events. We would always say something like “We’re sharing God’s love with no strings attached.” It always sounded so canned. People did give us some odd looks and I don’t remember it as being very effective.

  5. freedom June 26, 2012 at 11:39 pm #

    I don’t remember the two questions, but does anyone remember the “E” teams? These were mission trips to upper middle class communities where they would go out and “Evangelize” those future tithing people….. You know how it goes, get the shy kid to join the team and “break out of your comfort zone”, which I can’t even begin to imagine the hell those people must have gone through to force themselves to preach to someone they don’t know.

    • christianagnostic June 27, 2012 at 12:25 am #

      yes, yes…I do remember the E teams. Car washes, bottled waters, neighborhood picnics.

      I remember being made to pass out invites around Newtown Square with our Care Group.

  6. questionablefaith June 27, 2012 at 8:19 pm #

    glad I have never been like that…

  7. ... Zoe ~ June 28, 2012 at 12:23 am #

    Maybe a new convert? Sometimes they can be quite zealous. 🙂

    • christianagnostic June 28, 2012 at 3:32 pm #


      I think you are probably right. I certainly understand zeal and spiritual highs. I guess I never was on the receiving end before…just seemed weird. Like I was having an out of body experience with a hyped up version of my former self.

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